Written by Seetal Savla. Reviewed by Jenny Wordsworth. 

Seetal Savla is a fertility patient advocate, writer and speaker. Having experienced multiple failed IVFs and losses before becoming mum to a daughter, she is passionate about sharing her story to support, educate and empower others, as well as challenging stigma - particularly within South Asian communities. Seetal is dedicated to creating space for honest, compassionate conversations around fertility, loss and hope. Through her writing and advocacy, which includes numerous articles (Times Weekend, HuffPost, Women’s Health, Metro UK), book contributions (No One Talks About This Stuff), a video diary series with Ferring Pharmaceuticals, brand campaigns (Stylist, Tommy’s, Plum & Ashby), speaking engagements (The Fertility Show, Make Birth Better) and online support groups (Fertility Network UK), she helps others feel less alone in their journeys. Follow Seetal's story and work on Instagram (@seetalsavla).

Trigger warning: sensitive content relating to pregnancy. 

This blog discusses pregnancy announcements and offers advice for those navigating them. While this includes strategies to help manage feelings around pregnancy announcements, we are aware that not everyone wishes to see this sensitive content. Please take care if you decide to read this, and please stop reading if at any point you feel you need to. 

Your wellbeing matters, and that is the biggest priority. OVUM is here to create a community that is safe and accessible to all, so we recognise that we need boundaries in place to ensure everyone feels comfortable when we share information and provide education. 

Support is available for you, and some resources include: 

• Tommy’s Charity: a charity supporting those through pregnancy and baby loss

• Mind UK: a mental health service available to adults in the UK

• Fertility Network UK Support Groups: available to those who wish to share experiences with others.  

“We are afraid of being judged for the way we react”. 

We often describe a complicated fertility journey as an emotional rollercoaster. As someone who has experienced five IVF cycles, including one using donor eggs, I can certainly attest to that. Navigating hope, excitement, fear, uncertainty, anger, disappointment and heartache alongside work and relationship stress is a wild ride. 

As is seeing or hearing pregnancy announcements when you are struggling to conceive. Whether it's someone you know or someone famous, it hurts. Whether they were not even trying or had been trying for a long time, it all hurts. You say you are happy for the parent(s)-to-be yet sad for yourself, but the truth is more nuanced than this palatable response. The growing frustration that you are failing or falling behind. The crushing envy. The increasing anger at the fact that effort is not always rewarded, no matter how hard you try. The unbearable weight of the unfairness of it all. The gnawing guilt and shame for feeling this way. Why do they get to live their dreams while you are being denied yours?

None of this is easy to talk about because we are afraid of being judged for the way we react. It is still hard to broach this subject when you have a child. You are among the lucky ones, and no one wants to hear a negative word from you. But if you yearn for another baby, pregnancy news will always be slightly painful, especially when it is announcing a second imminent arrival. 

Announcements can still hurt if you already have children.

Last year, I shared an Instagram post about why my answer to the common yet complex question, “Do you want to have another baby?”, is both yes and no. My reasons strongly resonated with my community, with many women also citing the stress and staggering cost of past and future IVF, exhaustion on every level, fear of pregnancy or baby loss, strain on relationships, fear of birth trauma and postpartum struggles, concerns about professional consequences and lack of childcare for being ‘one and done’. 

Reading through the comments, some of which reveal the agonising decision to remain a family of two or three in detail, reminded me that I am not alone in this predicament. Even if medical science could guarantee that my next IVF cycle would be successful, I wonder how many of us would immediately jump at the opportunity. For me, living abroad without a village to lean on, rediscovering my freedom to pursue my passions or just simply be, and my ‘advancing maternal age’ are among the main reasons that would hold me back. As I move towards perimenopause, I want to pour my limited energy into raising my daughter as best I can instead of being stretched to breaking point. 

This bittersweet viewpoint was echoed by many who reacted to my post. That said, almost all of us still grieve the version of the family we will never have, the sibling our child will never know, the precious milestones we will never relive, and the cute clothes that will never be worn again in our home. This little-understood grief coexists with our gratitude for our miracle babies (and potential guilt surrounding our good fortune compared to others walking a similar path, which a part of me still carries to this day). 

Announcing a pregnancy can feel complex.

If you are reading this and feeling nervous about announcing a pregnancy and unintentionally upsetting others, you can soften the blow by delivering your happy news in a sensitive way. In my experience, people who are struggling to conceive generally prefer a short, kindly worded text message or DM, which gives us time and space to process our feelings without having to ‘perform’ instant joy in person. 

Something along the lines of, “I just wanted to let you know that I am pregnant. I know this may be difficult news to hear, so please take the time to process it however you need to. I will always be here for you, but I understand if you don't feel comfortable telling me about what you are going through for now or in the future.” is a good starting point.

With messages, it is important to strike the right tone. In response to a DM shared on Instagram from a woman announcing her pregnancy to her best friend who was going through IVF, many commented that her tone was condescending, laced with pity and toxic positivity. What frustrated people the most was the assumption that the friend would also get pregnant one day.

When I was able to send this delicate message, I worried about the wording for weeks. I knew that the people reading them would probably feel devastated, but would also appreciate hearing it from me in private. And whenever I received this happy yet heartbreaking news, I was grateful that someone had taken the time to consider my circumstances and care about how their pregnancy would affect me.

However, the way you tell someone also depends on the nature of your relationship. A few years ago, a close family member invited me to lunch and told me she was pregnant. Despite having an early loss and multiple failed IVF cycles under my belt at that time, I was genuinely delighted for her. None of the tricky emotions I usually felt joined us at the table that day, or afterwards, for that matter. It was a risky approach that could easily have backfired in public, but she chose the right one in this instance. 

Social media can feel like a minefield. 

We can debate the pros and cons of text versus face-to-face announcements, but I doubt anyone will disagree with me when I say that the worst possible way to find out is on your social media feeds. The shock of seeing a scan or bump photo while scrolling will quickly give way to a heavy sense of betrayal. Seeing someone share something you are doing everything you can to achieve for yourself will always hurt, but being blindsided by it will only cause more pain. 

If you plan on posting about pregnancy online, please make sure to mention the date in your text messages and/or DMs. The same applies to gender reveals and baby showers. Anyone who wishes to mute or unfollow you will have enough time to do so to protect themselves. It may seem like a drastic step, but having done it several times myself, I found it necessary to avoid fixating on someone else’s journey and to focus solely on my own.

Yet even when we hit the mute and unfollow buttons, adjust our content preferences by hiding specific words, hashtags or emojis and avoid certain TV shows or films, we can still be caught unawares. When this happens, I recommend soothing yourself with something that brings you joy first, e.g., a favourite hot drink, a funny video, or an upbeat song. Once the initial sting has subsided, try to focus on the abundance in your life, perhaps by scrolling through your camera roll and adding some of your most cherished memories to your favourites folder. The purpose of this action is not to dissociate from the pain, but to shift our mindset to gratitude for what we already have.

“Whatever you feel is normal and valid”. 

When it comes to processing the news, whether it is a first, second or subsequent pregnancy, please know that whatever you feel is normal and valid. The acceptable good, the painfully bad and the unspeakably ugly. When I described my conflicting feelings about recent second pregnancy announcements to a good friend whose path to parenthood mirrors my own, she said, “It is OK to feel sad. You are human. We are so lucky, and we can still wish things were different.” 

Her wise words were incredibly comforting and full of much-needed compassion for both of us. I hope they also feel like a warm hug to anyone whose grief feels invisible. While that may be true in literal terms, those who also live with this loss can see it and understand that it shows up in various ways forever.

Key Takeaways:

• Please know that every emotion you feel is valid and normal. This applies to those announcing a pregnancy, or those receiving the news that someone else is pregnant. Conflicting emotions are common, and there is no ‘correct’ way to react. 

• Before announcing a pregnancy to someone who has struggled or is struggling to conceive, ask them how they would prefer to be told. If this conversation is not possible for any reason, the best way depends on your relationship; only you know whether a text message, voice note, phone call or face-to-face chat would be appreciated.

• For further support on coping with pregnancy announcements, I recommend listening to this episode of the Don’t Tell Me to Relax podcast, as well as this poignant three-part poetry series on The Fertility Podcast. For those who prefer to read, Fertility Network UK shares its advice in this blog post, and patient support coach Sarah Banks's post is packed with helpful tips. Lastly, fellow OVUM advocate Alice Rose offers this short Self-Compassion for a Pregnancy Announcement course via her website.