Written by Laura-Rose Thorogood. Reviewed by Jessica Hobbis. 

Laura-Rose is a neurodivergent LGBTQIA+, Maternity and Fertility Activist, educator, writer, seasoned speaker, and campaigner, and a lesbian mother of four donor-conceived children by IUI and IVF over fourteen years. She is both a Biological and Non-Biological mother and has lived experience of operative birth, failed cycles, miscarriage, secondary infertility and birth trauma. She is CEO of Make Birth Better and Founder of LGBT Mummies and has trained and lectured across the NHS, University of Cambridge and other Universities, and works with the Government and created systemic change across reproductive health for LGBTQIA+ people and other marginalised communities. She holds multiple roles across NHSE, RCOG, UCL, HFEA, MMHA, influencing change to create equity and equality.

This blog is part of the Stories from the OVUM Community series, which explores the lived realities of fertility through four lenses. Biology, Beliefs, Boundaries and Belonging. Each piece shares a different, personal perspective from our community.

The following story is from Laura-Rose Thorogood.

Biology

My wife was told at the tender age of fifteen that she had such severe PCOS (Now PMOS) that she would never get pregnant or carry a pregnancy to term. At that age, whilst it was a shock to her, starting a family seemed rather far in the future, so she did not consider what the implications of that meant at that time. She felt confused and sad, but because it wasn’t something she wanted to do at the time, she figured that it would be something she’d address when she was older, and accepted the stark diagnosis as presented to her. 

When we decided to look to start a family, she was already prepared to never review her fertility or attempt to see if she could get pregnant, due to this early diagnosis, and therefore had succumbed to the idea that I, as her wife, would be the only one who could try to become pregnant. There were discussions around the fact that she would be the non- biological and non-birthing mother, and that it was a fate she would have to accept because she had been told her body was not capable of pregnancy or birth. Little did we know that PMOS in that time had been further researched, and on choosing a clinic and having tests run at my persistent request to see if pregnancy was now viable, we found out the early diagnosis was, in fact, incorrect, Therefore her opportunity to carry was viable and a dream she longed for.

Belief

Her belief system changed after this. The system that was there to protect and support her had indeed failed her, misdiagnosed her and presented her with a much different future than was viable. Had we not investigated further, she would not have had the opportunity to carry two of our four children and have that wonderful experience she longed for when we decided to start a family. Assumptions had been made, support was not provided, and she had spent years thinking the dream of a biological child was not feasible, when in fact it was. Shock and frustration followed, and relief that we had taken it upon ourselves to check.

Boundaries

For us, whilst we shared our experience through our organisation, LGBT Mummies, to usualise and share what the implications and barriers looked like, we set specific hard boundaries about what we were willing to share. Names of our children, our day-to-day life, and protecting our privacy to ensure that our children and we have a choice around what is shared and what is private. This was to ensure our safety, especially given the work we do and the psychological impact it could have on us all. 

During our fertility journey, we had to put in place firmer boundaries. We often got asked if we were mother and daughter, friends, sisters and often the non-birthing parent was not addressed or included in conversations, down to verbal and eye contact, which could, of course, be difficult. We would have to ‘come out’ at every appointment, and address assumptions about who we were to each other and our journey. One moment that stays with me was when I encountered a doctor who said she would not speak to me, she ‘wanted the ‘real’ mum’, which had long-term mental health implications in my own journey as a mother.

This meant that in medical settings, we had gotten used to having to advocate for ourselves, correcting assumptions, and addressing discrimination and microaggressions. We wholly appreciated that for many others, this was far too painful. Therefore, we decided to do this through our PROUD FOUNDATIONS arm, which works on educating and training organisations to better support us and understand our needs. 

Belonging

Throughout our journey of over twelve years, trying to conceive and have our four children, we did not feel supported. We often felt isolated and alone in our experiences and journey, with very few people to speak to or ask pertinent questions of, and little support in understanding the implications and barriers we faced. 

This is why I set up LGBT Mummies as an organisation to create a safe space and global community where women and people like us can feel seen and supported, and build a community of like-minded families and intended parents who support each other. 

Language was crucial for us and still is, and the lack of representation of families like ours in the fertility and family formation space made us feel isolated, invisible, and unimportant. This is why we work so hard at LGBT Mummies to normalise LGBTQIA+ family-formation journeys and to represent and celebrate our families as we deserve. Ultimately, we believe we should be represented in daily life across society and accepted for who we are and who we love.

Beyond the Blog

• Here are some recommendations for adult LGBTQIA+ family formation books, as well as children's family books that may be of interest. One book that we’d say to read would be ‘Supporting Queer Birth by AJ Silver, and ‘The Other Mother’ by Jen Brister.

• Fertility Action is a charity I'm proud to be a trustee of, working to improve access to fertility treatment and support for everyone who needs it. They campaign tirelessly for systemic change, and if you want to get involved or stay informed, they're well worth following. They're also currently embarking on a Three Peaks Challenge to raise funds, and whilst I won't be lacing up my boots for that one, I'll be cheering loudly from the sidelines.

• LGBT Mummies is the community I founded after feeling invisible in the fertility and family formation space for too long. It's a global safe space for LGBTQIA+ people, families and intended parents to feel seen, supported and celebrated.